Ginny in the Desert
by lasaireigh
Summary: Another short from "The Lesser of Two Evils" series, which comes between Chapters 7 and 8. Ginny's been spat into the desert by a possessed squeak toy. Darn her fair complexion!


**Disclaimer: **If anyone asks, tell them I'm a gnome.

A garden gnome...

One that doesn't own Harry Potter...

AN: This is yet another short from _The Lesser of Two Evils_ series, which comes between Chapters 7 and 8 of Year Two. Reviews from Chapter 7 will be answered at the end of the story.

Ginny in the Desert

_When we last left our plucky heroine, she had been deposited in the middle of a desert by the goddess Ate after being eaten by a possessed squeak toy snake. In the excitement-or possibly the digestive process-Ginny's cheese wedge hat had fallen off. Let's see how our heroine has fared:_

"Mom?...Dad?...Ron!" Ginny looked around in confusion at the vast amounts of sand surrounding her. Her first thought was that somebody had shrank her and placed her in a turtle-shaped sand box to be picked up and devoured by ants. The redhead was understandably alarmed.

Then she realized she was being silly. Beetles were the real problem.

"Gred! Forge! If this is one of your jokes, it isn't funny! Get me out of here now!" No smirking twin appeared to rescue her. It was then that Ginny began to realize that she might have a bit of a situation on her hands. She sat down on the hot sand and began muttering to herself.

"Okay Ginny, think. What is the last thing you remember?" She had brief flashes of writing in an old journal and being led by something into a secret passage somewhere in the girl's bathroom. Then a dank, dark room...and a CHEESE WHEEL! "Okay, Ginny, what's the last _rational _thing you remember?" She was three and her teddy bear was talking to her... "Never mind."

The redhead had by this time realized that she was in a desert and not a giant sandbox. Lucky her. She stood and brushed her uniform off. "Well, at least I still have my wand..." This was small comfort to the first-year as the extent of her knowledge thus far was _Winguardium leviosa_ and _Aurum inmerum-_though where she was going to get any gold to change into wine was anyone's guess. However, she was a Weasley and as such, prone to not thinking about things, so she let her worries drift away and set off in a random direction.

Unluckily for her, she was on the outskirts of the Sahara Desert and heading steadily towards the center of it.

Three hours later-

Ginny had shed the black school issue cloak after the first hour, and now she was on the verge of shedding her first layer of skin. Darn her fair complexion! She was also starting to see things in the desert...

Things like barbarian nomads riding camels.

"If I'm hallucinating, that's great. If I'm not, maybe they have some water..." Ginny had also developed the habit of talking to herself. "And then I can use my wand to hang them up by their toes while I steal a camel and ride away!"

She wasn't hallucinating, but she _was _delusional.

The nomads were composed of door-to-door encyclopedia salesman who had been banned from their native countries due to their almost superhumanly obnoxious timing when ringing doorbells. They had then banded together to live the rest of their lives out in the desert while perusing the latest volumes of _Funk and Wagnall's_. How they had gotten the barbarian costumes is a mystery. _Why_ they had gotten barbarian costumes is even more of one...

"Hello, miss!" said the leader. "You look lost. Can I interest you in an encyclopedia?"

Ginny blinked. "You're a roaming tribe of encyclopedia salesmen?"

"That we are!" came the cheerful reply.

"Do you have any water?"

"As a matter of fact, we used all of our water up just an hour ago to power the first watermill made of sand. Sadly, the watermill disintegrated shortly thereafter, but there are lovely illustrations of the watermill we modeled it on under 'W'!"

Knowledge in the hands of idiots is a dangerous thing.

Ginny would have cried if she weren't so thirsty. Instead, she took a leaf out of the twin's book and levitated the sets of encyclopedias on top of the salesmen. Then she stole a camel.

"I shall name you Rex!" she proclaimed grandly as she rode away into the sunset. Rex spat appreciatively.

Five hours later-

Rex and Ginny were fumbling along in the darkness because Ginny had no idea how to stop a camel. She had tried "Whoa horsey!" and "Stop or I'll shoot!" but nothing seemed to work. Finally she gave a angry tug on the reins.

Rex's sudden stop tossed Ginny into a conveniently located oasis.

Ginny lay floating in the water for quite some time before she realized she didn't know how to swim. Then, after ten minutes of panicking as she stood in the waist deep water, she declared herself drowned and lay down on the shore to die. It took her another twenty minutes to realize she was still alive.

"I'm immortal!" Ginny said with amazement. Rex snorted. "You're just jealous because I can kill you and hide in your stomach if there's a sandstorm." The camel blinked. "Just disregard that last comment."

There were berries growing in the oasis, bright blue berries that looked ever so innocent in the night-never mind that they were glowing. Ginny, in the typically clueless fashion that we've come to expect from every Weasley except the twins, popped a few in her mouth to see if they were edible. Fortunately for Ginny, they were. Unfortunately for Ginny, the berries were a type of rare fruit used in dyes and glow-in-the-dark toys. They were especially prized for their ability to dye things from the inside out. After an hour of gorging herself, Ginny finally noticed that she was glowing a pale blue.

She pronounced herself the god of Smurfs.

Sunrise-

Ginny gathered up all the berries she could pick and placed them in Rex's saddlebags-which she had neglected to peruse when she first stole him. She left the encyclopedias that she found inside them by the water, where she also refilled the water skins tied to the saddle. Then she started off once more into the desert.

Ginny was attempting to logic her way out of the situation. "I'm in a desert. I don't know which desert. I'm the Goddess of Smurfs. I'm immortal. My camel is named Rex. These are the facts, and only the facts, ma'am." Ginny nodded to herself in confirmation of these vital bits of information. "Every desert ends in any given direction, so if I just pick a direction and stick with it, I'll eventually get out." Of course, now the problem of telling which direction was which presented itself.

"There's only one thing to do," Ginny said decisively. "I'll follow the magic bunny!" So saying, Ginny set off in pursuit of a mirage of a purple spotted rabbit.

Five days, three hours, and twenty seven minutes later

The magic bunny mirage had led Ginny to a small town named NaNa at the center of the desert. This town had been forgotten by muggles and mages alike for centuries. This is mostly due to it being populated by small talking frogs and giant frog-wrangling orcs. Upon seeing the glowing blue girl atop a camel, the orcs and frogs declared Ginny a god and took her to the chieftain.

"Hail to the Goddess!" the chieftain cried upon seeing her.

Ginny smiled. "I have come to lay down a few laws for your people about the treatment of Smurfs!" Ginny proclaimed grandly. "Firstly, all male smurfs shall be called Sir Bob and be presented with a meat tenderizer upon entrance of the city. All female smurfs shall be called Mitzy and given a pocket attached to a dish towel, for one can never have enough pockets!" The orcs and frogs nodded at the wisdom of this. "Secondly, all smurfs shall be given food and drink and a map of the desert. They shall also be given a shrubbery, but not too large or too expensive!" More nods accompanied this statement. "And lastly, you shall honor all smurfs as your family, treating them as brothers or sisters or favorite distant cousins."

"And how shall we worship your holiness?" the chieftain asked.

Ginny thought about this for a moment. "You shall worship me by treating me as you would the smurfs I rule over, for my people are sacred to me and I can ask for no greater honor than to be treated as they are!"

The orcs and frogs bowed to her and called her Sister Mitzy and brought her a pocket on a dishtowel and a small potted shrubbery. They loaded down Rex with food and water and presented her with a magical map that had a convenient marker on it that said "You are here," and Ginny was pleased. She rode off into the desert to the cheers and odd squeaky noises of the orcs and frogs.

"Well, Rex, I think that went well, don't you?" Ginny asked the camel. Rex groaned. "Spoil sport." Ginny took a look at the map the NaNaians had provided. "Rex! We're in the Sahara!" Rex spat and made a noise similar to "Duh!" "Bill's in the Sahara! He's breaking curses for Gringotts!" Rex groaned again. Ginny sighed in exasperation. "Don't you see? All we have to do is get to Bill, and he can send us back to Hogwarts!"

Rex snorted.

Three days later-

"Gee...the pyramids are more triangular than you might think..." Ginny noted. Given a proper map, it turned out that Ginny had a better sense of direction than her chase of the magic bunny might have suggested. "Now which one of these is Bill in?"

Ginny walked into the one closest to her. Five minutes later she ran out being chased by a herd of mummified cows. When she was far enough away from the pyramid, the cows ran back inside.

"I hate old beef!" Ginny pouted. She clambered back on top of Rex and rode to the next pyramid. There were tents lined up outside of it. "Oh! This looks promising Rex!" But rather than waiting outside the pyramid for Bill, Ginny just walked right in.

The inside of it was dark and dusty, but Ginny's glowing skin provided just enough light for her to see by. "It's good to be a Goddess!" The walls were carved with pictures of men and crocodiles. "This looks familiar... It's just like that other one with the pictures of cows..." Ginny's heart sunk. "If I get chased out of here by crocodiles there's going to be some serious heck to pay!"

There were no crocodiles in the large chamber she found, but there were a lot of grave robbers with guns. They turned around...and stared.

"What the _hell_!" seemed to be the general reaction.

Ginny thought quickly. "Fear not, mortals! I am the Goddess of Smurfs, and I am here to address fair product licensing!" She probably would have been better off running.

The men started laughing hysterically, and they laughed so loudly that they triggered a trap. Ginny made her escape while they were trying to deal with the mummified crocodiles (which was actually easier than it sounds since the ancient Egyptians had wrapped their jaws together.) On her way out, she trigger four more traps that bathed the grave robbers in sleeping gas, mildly warm oil, feathers, and cat repellent. Ginny was only hit with the last one.

Outside, she saw a troop of people surrounding her camel, one of whom had familiar red hair. "Bill!" Ginny cried in relief. Bill Weasley turned around and promptly fainted. When he woke up, Ginny started babbling. "Oh, Bill, these past few days have been horrible! I was eaten by a snake, dumped in a desert, drowned in a shallow pond, and got lost like you wouldn't believe! The good news is I'm the immortal goddess of Smurfs, and I delivered a set of codes to the heathen Orcs and frogs so they can live by them! I also got a camel from barbaric encyclopedia salesmen! His name is Rex, and he's probably evil, but he makes an excellent conversational companion!"

At this point, Bill placed his hand over Ginny's mouth. "Ginny, honey, you're delirious. Can you tell me the last thing you remember before you came to the desert?"

"A cheese wheel gave me a hat."

"Medic!"

After the medic had examined Ginny and given her the appropriate potions-including one to get rid of her "healthy glow"-, Bill began making arrangements to take her back to Hogwarts. He also sent an owl ahead to make sure that no one asked her too many questions and that his parents knew she was alright. (Floo was out of the question since there wasn't a fireplace around for over a hundred miles.)

Three days later, she made her triumphant entrance into the great hall during dinner. "Hello puny mortals! Bow before your Smurfy goddess!"

The whole of Hogwarts blinked.

AN: I apologize for the delay with the updates. I got bogged down with midterms and papers like you wouldn't believe. (Falls to knees happily exclaiming "They're over! They're over!") The bright side is that I got the idea for this short when I realized I had Ginny miraculously appearing from nowhere in Chapter Eight! Hope you enjoyed it, and I would like to thank everyone who reviewed! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Ugh! Llamas getting laid isn't something I want to think about at this time of night! You know...if taking over the world were easy, everybody would do it. Then there would be massive anarchy as people fought over who was really in charge, and the smart people would say they were the rulers of their own little worlds, and the stupid ones would hit them with nerf bats... So the world would really be ruled by Nerf. Hmmm...I might have overthought that. :) -Gives out shiny berries-

athenakitty: Actually, I'm debating over whether I should keep Jinx as a snake or a cat. I think I might just have her shape-shifting when necessary... -Gives out shiny berries-

Lady Melime Alasse: See, now that's the reason I'm happy I don't have brothers. Having your father scare away boyfriends is bad enough, but having six others help him? -shudders dramatically- Though they do sound efficient... They'd have to be to scare him all the way to New York! -Gives out shiny berries-

DeathlyNightshade: No, I'm pretty sure Luna is a fifth year in the fifth book... You're welcome! Now you can stain your mice a glowing blue too! -Gives out shiny berries-

Lady FoxFire: Yay! You're back! I'd wondered where you'd gone... I guess that pretty much explains it. Sorry, I decided to break up the seven years into separate stories so I wouldn't end up with a fic 80+ chapters long. :) Actually, I pictured the dogs as wearing 1917 American combat gear. It has a certain panache on bulldogs! Lol! The secret to cheese posession is silly hats:) And I kind of figured that there wouldn't be any mice in the Chamber of Secrets because mice don't like snakes. -Grins- I based Bast off of Snow. Their personalities are, sadly, very much alike. -Moves Snow's paw away from keyboard and gives out shiny berries and meatball sub-

WJENKSREADER: Wow! That funny! -Gives out shiny berries and oxygen tank- Breathe! I hate to lose readers to asphyxiation:)

Drake Smythe: Thanks! That's not a bad idea, but I think Harry will be more interested in the other things in the Chamber. :) -Gives out shiny berries-

Kaaera: Thanks! I'm glad you liked Bast! -Gives out shiny berries-

Anon Junky: Ooohh! That sounds like a fun hobby, especially if you have a cat! -Gives out shiny berries-

Night-Owl123: Woot! Sugar highs! Now where did I put that easter bunny...? -Gives out shiny berries-

Zesuit: -grins- Well, you're probably going to feel a lot worse for him by the time the series is over... -Gives out shiny berries-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: I'm so glad you liked Bast, even if you don't like most cats! Personally, I think they're adorable and cuddly, and omnipotent! (she types as Snow flexes her claws on her leg...) -Gives out shiny berries-

Wren Truesong: See? Ginny's all nice and patched up! (In an "I'm the Goddess of Smurfs" sort of way...) And she acquired a voice, which means we'll be seeing more of her to come! (i.e. I've figured out what her comedic character should be.) Glad you liked it though! -Gives out shiny berries and a catnip mouse-

Smiley Face3: YAY! -starts chanting- HYPNO-TOAD! HYPNO-TOAD! -uses hypno-toad to hypnotize professors into giving her A's and makes them recite nursery rhymes to their podiums- Hypno-toads are fun! -Gives out shiny berries-

Dragonic: Thanks! -Gives out shiny berries-

opalish: Whew! You had me scared there for a minute! I adore Lockhart, too. -Winks and gives out shiny berries-

nile-reina: Yep! All seven of them! I'm so glad you like the series! -Gives out shiny berries-

Celestial Slytherin-Black: Sorry about that... :) Glad it's funny though! -Gives out shiny berries and Icy-Hot-

SeekerTLK: Yay! I love it when I find out I'm doing something completely original (which is very hard to do when there are this many authors writing fanfiction)! Thanks! -Gives out shiny berries-

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! Yep! I'm doing the whole seven years! -Gives out shiny berries-

power214063: Thanks! With any luck, I'll be able to keep the prank war going for the whole seven years (although the opponents will have to change once the twins graduate...which is sad because they're the only real competition for Loki, Ate, and the Marauders). -Gives out shiny berries-

missfictionlover: Thanks! I hope you managed to find the second year alright! Love the laughter, by the way! -Gives out shiny berries-

Phynix1: Just out of curiousity, how many times _have _you read the series:) I'm glad you like my quirky sense of humor! -Gives out shiny berries-

justmehere: Thanks! I hope you read the rest of the series too! -Gives out shiny berries-


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